Searching For Meaning in a World of Beauty and Fear

I was trying to think of something to write about. Something deep and insightful. Something that speaks to the human condition. I want to illuminate my own life. I want to share with everybody who reads this all my hopes and frustrations, all my anger and sadness and joy, all my bitter cynicism and boundless wonder. I want you to feel what I feel, and I want to express myself without restraint. I was trying to think of something to write about which would excite me, and make you feel.

Unfortunately, I got distracted by the idea of sex toys modeled on US presidents.

I was spiting out random blog ideas and jokingly said that I’d start off my post with the phrase “fuck the man – literally, if that’s what gets you off.” I was thinking of writing something about queer culture and gender identity. Then the question was posed: “Why do so many people want to have sex with the president?”

The reason is obvious, fyi; people are attracted to power and celebrity. Thus fuckage.

Anyway. I chuckled, ho ho ho, and asked if they’d ever heard of the Obama dildo.

Gasp! Laugh! “What?!”

And I explained: It is, quite simply, a dildo with Obama’s face on it. I remember him having a rather pleased expression on his face. Who would want that up in their parts, I wonder? Anybody who’s a fan of the prez would probably find it, like, disrespectful. Whereas somebody who is not so thrilled with the big man seems unlikely to want his face up in their business anymore than it already is. I’ll see if I can find a picture. If I do, I’ll put it down below, right here:


And there it is.

Go ahead, take a while to look at it. Gaze upon it. Let your eyes travel longing up the arch of the shaft… stretch out your hand towards the screen, let it linger there, almost touching the smooth surface… as if you could reach out your hand and grasp it…

So it got me to thinking, what other political figures might be best immortalized in the form of sex toys? Here are a few ideas, feel free to borrow them:

Paul Ryan Solo Sensation Condoms: Tired of watching other people orgasm because of all your hard work? Put a stop to those pleasure-spongers with our new line of solo sensation prophylactics. The outside of the condom provides an itchy numbness, inhibiting all sensation while leaving your cock safely nestled away in a bubble of happiness.

Bill Clinton Pussy-Flavored Candy Cigars: Feeling like a post-coital snack, but also kind of want to go down on your girl? Why not combine the two and “light up” in style with one of these handsome Lewinsky-licious stogies! These cigars are guaranteed to be authentically soggy and pungent, for that true presidential experience!

Wendy Davis Filibuster Boner Pills: This astonishing new breakthrough in hormone manipulation will keep his willy “standing up” for as long as it takes to protect your right to choose. Looks like the pink shoes are on the other feet now, ladies!

Ronald Reagan Vibrating Cock-Ring: Who’s face would you rather see nestled amongst your pubes than that of our 40th president? The Reagan Cock-Ring provides five levels of vibration guaranteed to satisfy both your and your partner! “Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this vadge!” Pairs wonderfully with:

Marguerite Thatcher’s “Iron and Leather Lady” Bondage Set: What better way to celebrate the life of Britain’s most controversial prime minister than with this handsome bondage kit? Clip on those nipple clamps and order an invasion of the “Falklands” today!

JFK Anal Rosary Beads: This distinguished set of easy-to-use glass beads is the perfect way to please your partner while celebrating our most famously Catholic president!

Michele Bachmann Strap-On: Is your husband feeling “cock-blocked” by your conservative family values? Well, the solution is here at last, with this Bachmann endorsed strap-on set that’s sure to have him shouting out “Jesus Christ!” before you know it.

Richard Nixon Blow-Up Doll: Because who doesn’t want to fuck Nixon?


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